Who am I?

So yesterday was pretty much an eye opener for me..

I have this really bad habit that if I like someone, I immediately look at all the positives and boom, I want to be in a relationship. Like more than a friendship.

I don't know if it is a habit but it just happens to me and I can't control it.

It sucks because I know that can totally ruin any type of relationship with someone.

I've been friends with someone for almost a month.

I find him to be really cool, fun and interesting.

I like spending time with him.

What I noticed was I wanted to keep spending time with him.

I remember him telling me that I should know and like who I am before I like someone else.

In the beginning, I wasn't really looking for a relationship.

I've been hurt too many times in my past.

Something about him really caught my eye though.

I felt nothing but positive things around him.

So then my emotions just started going crazy like a roller coaster. I started to really like him.

I didn't know if he felt the same so why not ask him.. right?

I mean, there was a "little" bit of alcohol in my system.. so I couldn't really hold it in.

I asked him "Am I too clingy around you?"

He answered by saying "No but I do feel like we need to take things slow."

I give him 100% respect for answering that question truthfully.

He could've just said no, leading me to think maybe I'm just over thinking things.

He mentioned "I don't want it to be like if I were to ask you out right now, you'll say yes."

Which I would have..

And I totally agree, it shouldn't be like that. 

I got pretty scared that night, I thought he was going to stop talking to me.

So when I got home, I just did nothing but thinking.

I kept blaming myself, but in the end it was how I felt.

I realized I needed to back up a bit and let life take it's course.

A few weeks, as in yesterday, we hung out after my class.

I'm not going to lie, a little bit of those feeling were coming back.

As we were hanging out, I couldn't help but feel something was wrong. I asked him and he said he was tired, which he probably was but I felt something else was up.

As I was trying to be flirtatious, I hear the word "obsessive" come out of his mouth.

I felt offended.

It just led me to think maybe I didn't change, maybe I'm still all over him.

I felt disappointed in myself.

He told me how he felt. It was hard for him to explain, which is reasonable because I have a hard time expressing how I feel.

He told me he doesn't really know who he is yet and he's not ready for a relationship.

I don't blame him. If that's how he feels, then it is what it is.

And I'm not going to lie, part of it is my fault because I like to talk to him every day. 

And if I don't hear from him, a feel a little down. Not too down though. I just like talking to him.

So, basically everything was let out in the open. Which is good.

It led me to think maybe we do need to do our own thing, it's not like we're going to stop talking.

Like I said before, he's a cool person.

I have school and currently looking for employment, I should start focusing on my life and where I'm headed. 

To find myself.